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Thursday, January 28th, 2010
9:41 pm - we take out burned hands out of our pockets, and clap
What a perfect mental image for the upcoming day! I mean, what better way could there be to say it? Only, here I am, nursing, or ignoring, no, nursing, self-created wounds. Self-inflicted burns. Also, J.D. Salinger passed away two days ago. More depressing than the fact that I didn't know until today is the fact that I didn't know he was still alive. But isn't that what he wanted? Here is a poem:

"Grammar" by Tony Hoagland

Maxine, back from a weekend with her boyfriend,
smiles like a big cat and says
that she's a conjugated verb.
She's been doing the direct object
with a second person pronoun named Phil,
and when she walks into the room,
everybody turns:

some kind of light is coming from her head.
Even the geraniums look curious,
and the bees, if they were here, would buzz
suspiciously around her hair, looking
for the door in her corona.
We're all attracted to the perfume
of fermenting joy,

we've all tried to start a fire,
and one day maybe it will blaze up on its own.
In the meantime, she is the one today among us
most able to bear the idea of her own beauty,
and when we see it, what we do is natural:
we take our burned hands
out of our pockets,
and clap.

Does this really need to be discussed? More than the sheer perfection of the last ten lines is the overwhelming underscore of bitterness. Bitterness blinded by beauty. Oh, Lord. And there it is. God knows I've tried to start a fire, maybe made a few little sparks, ignited a miniscule flame from time to time, but now it is burning within me. Now, I have to move or else I won't move ever again. Now is the time for a plan.

current mood: birthdayed

(make a monday morning tape)

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
2:03 pm - back, after all this time
I never made it past 19.

current mood: blank

(make a monday morning tape)

Monday, August 21st, 2006
7:38 pm - the skills to pay the bills?
tattoo shop. the beautiful sound of buzzing needles. ink permeating skin. if only i had someone to pierce...so i read back a couple entries and i knew what was going on all along. this is exactly where i thought i would be. a new band, Rockland County, and an extra bonus prize, an apprenticeship in piercing. also, all the added problems that i knew were coming: no money, bills, disappointment from my parents, a "wasted" college education, insurance. a lack of insurance. yes, i know, this is bad. yes, i know it will get better. i am a starving artist. congratulations former self! how utterly frightening yet rewarding. we'll see how things go when the band records. it IS a very lovely noise that we have created and besides the fact that i am very jealous about the "pilot" lip tattoos, i am at a good place. now, i pray for everything to be alright. every day, i pray. and every night, fireworks.

current mood: bored

(make a monday morning tape)

Monday, February 20th, 2006
11:33 am - connecticut
today he is saying goodbye to the clean, untouched skin on his upper right arm and replacing it with the black outlines of a fallen angel. today, he has a full-on beard...and hips to die for. what beauty in the early hours of the morning! tracing his spine, fingertips down the forever long torso. this is february in connecticut.

current mood: excited

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Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
3:22 pm - so little keys, so many combinations
quickly, now, before class starts. it is slowly becoming a reality that i will make it out of here very soon. i want to make music. so do you, i know. but if we want it bad enough, we'll get it. i need a band. i need to start auditiong. i can't just join the multitude of other college graduates hoping to make some money one of these days. i will, if i have to. but this is me down on my knees. i'll give it a good go. a few months, maybe a year. i don't have forever. i will have to be this big disappointment before i can do anything really good with my life. you know? i've got my keyboard. just me and my motif6. end paragraph.

current mood: anxious

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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
11:59 pm - the winds of change.
hi. it's october and everything changed. everything's different. it didn't have to be, but it is. maybe i wanted to flip things around, or maybe i didn't want it at all. i don't care about not being in the band. i mean i CARE, as in, i love making music and now i'm not and it's killing me. but, i don't care as in, i'm finishing school which is great, which is really great, and i plan on making music anyway. when school's over. if it wasn't my last year, i just might have moved right into that van. i care a lot about not being with ian because he's wonderful. he's really this great guy who loves me like hell and would do anything for me and he's not stupid, or nerdy, or lame, or boring, or mean, or anything i don't like. he's just really great and i'm not with him anymore. there's no real explanation except now there's tom. and this has been eating me away. something good for something maybe not as good, but how can i know unless i try? seems like a stupid move. it seems like something totally opposite from anything i would do and maybe that's why i did it. maybe i've gotten to this remarkably vivid point where i'm not able to understand anything i'm doing, but i'm living in the moment. maybe phoebe's teaching me something. it doesn't change much except that i like being at tom's house. i like his family, his friends, his neighborhood, his band, his voice, his lips...and i've been struggling with whether to be happy about tom or miserable about ian. every day, i am both. every day, i push forward and i don't want to PUSH forward. i want to float peacefully forward, like a river. running through the city. i want to not feel guilty, but actions bring consequences. i want to hold ian and tell him that he will be okay and that i love him but this is something i have to do. i am at fault. i am the bad guy. i don't know that i've ever been before. i don't know that i can feel love like i used to because i lost and regained and threw it away. i, fortunately, am the type of person who confronts what they have done. and i also know what i didn't do. i am crazy but level-headed. i am a mess but fully together. i am jack's broken but deservedly-so broken heart.

(3 conversation starters | make a monday morning tape)

Thursday, July 14th, 2005
1:45 am - the beatles are also legendary
i was heading into the drudgery of myspace when i realized that livejournal was still here. in fact, it had been here all along and now it's quiet and i like it a whole lot better. i need to write. i need to express something. it's begging to be let out but i haven't been able to find it in so long. the summer is a killer. maybe it always will be. but i won't let it hurt me because i know exactly where my life is headed. somebody called me "legendary" yesterday. now, really, that's a bit much...i mean, bob dylan is legendary, JIMI HENDRIX is legendary...but my God, to be recognized for something you have driven headfirst into, something you have given almost everything up for...i'll say it right now. as soon as school is over, the Motif 6 won't know what hit it. I want to live out of a van for a while. i've tried it. it sucks and it's marvelous at the same time. i want to put a hard earned couple of years into the business. so, get this: fourth of july, boca raton, Florida, stranded in the middle of a lake on a solar-powered motorized dock. peeing off the t-bar in the middle of the night during a tropical rainstorm in a walmart parking lot in maryland. 4 a.m. monster breakfast on an island off north carolina. learning, again, that i can't have everything i want and either can you. Laverne eating oreos on the couch at our hotel in ocean city, telling me and jeremiah about the best places to get sandwiches in norfolk. for me, that was the most brief, yet real and heartfelt connection i made because she was so different from me, from all of us, and she didn't stare, or judge, or act any differently than she did with anyone else who came through the hotel that day. and i didn't try to impress, i didn't care whether i looked "badass" with a couple of tattooed guys, i was okay, right then. i want to be that way with everyone. it's easy to think you're real cool but it's different to feel real cool. i feel like i have five brothers walking with me on the boardwalk and that's the fucking coolest feeling ever. i don't care if we look like the biggest bunch of losers. i know when we are tight that i can sleep good that night. i know i can come home to the best things that ever happened to me if need be. i know that a fight is a fight and nothing more. the thing with me is that i have trouble expressing anything other than what i know is true at this very moment. so, this paragraph has been overwhelmingly "pilot" enriched. also, on the horizon, i don't feel like i could be with anyone but ian. you know, you lay with someone in bed and you breathe in their smell, and it's just...home. we're both getting koi fish tattoos and the weird thing is that it's not because of each other. it's just because we both appreciate that sort of thing and we both came to the conclusions on our own. no joke, if this band thing doesn't work out, me and ian are going to Japan to some place older than we can imagine to learn how to tattoo with dye and sharpened sticks and to learn about Horimono and Sailor Jerry and how to say "I like your tattoo! What is the inspiration behind it?", in Japanese. life is simple really, if you think about it that way.

current mood: curious

(3 conversation starters | make a monday morning tape)

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
9:45 pm
when i was little, i never thought about a lot of things. i never wondered why some people were good and others were bad. i never considered the way stars form constellations. i never wondered if everything would be alright, or if i would fall in love, or how a culmination of terrible and amazing things could happen to form this older, better (?) version of myself. or maybe i did. maybe i did think about all of these things. maybe i didn't have to think about them because i knew that everything would be okay and no matter what happens, the stars are always stars and even if they burn out, there are new ones to remember the old ones by. i don't know much really, except that now i can see orion and the big and little dippers instead of clusters of lights and when i know more constellations, i'll be able to see a whole sky full of pictures and nothing else. i like that a lot. the thing is, i've got this terrible, awful memory and maybe its not abnormal or anything but there are many, many things i can only remember vague flashes of, if i remember them at all. sometimes i can't even remember if the flashes are of something real or if they are from a dream or a thought i had. for instance, laura's bass amp had been missing for weeks. todd says, i put it in your trunk, remember? i don't remember anything of the sort, but there it is, right in my trunk along with a shovel that i didn't know was there either. i don't know who it belongs to, but it's there. sometimes i forget whole chunks of time, parts of a vacation or something. i forget who i was with or who i talked to along the way. i lose names a lot...i'll know you, but i can't find your name among the millions of other things that have been lost along the way. the point is, i'm sure i forgot a lot of cool things that happened. i would like to be able to remember everything that touches my heart. i remember bits and pieces or nothing. i'm sure bad things get forgotten too. but check it out: i can remember that knapsack was playing on matt's cd player in his car on some bay in long island 2 or 3 years ago. i remember when i first saw rob. i remember what he was wearing, where he was standing, where i was standing, where we were, and where we were going. i remember being little and pushing some kid into a pool and feeling panic because i didn't realize he couldn't swim. i remember almost drowning and looking up at my father as he came to rescue me. i remember my wallpaper when i was 7. i know these are my memories and not something people have retold me so many times that i got images in my head from it because these are things that i haven't talked to anyone about, ever. and that's how i know. today, i met a little boy in the metropolitan museum of art. i took his picture and we talked about the coins inside the wishing fountain. i tried very hard to remember his name because things like that are important and i told him that when i developed his picture i would show it to my class and say that he was a very good boy. his name was matthew. all things aside, i am so pleased to have remembered his name because nobody wants to make a connection with someone and then have this picture of someone you forgot you knew. now i can title it and everything and believe it or not, that makes me feel very complete.
-dana

current mood: thirsty

(4 conversation starters | make a monday morning tape)

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
11:25 pm - i need the smell of summer, i need its noises in my ear.
it's been exhausting, this semester. busy every moment, but listen to this: there is something truly amazing happening. this making music thing seems to be working out quite well. and who could have imagined having only been a band for a few months, barely it seems, and things happening already? i won't lie. i've been holding back a bit, just in case, but here, i can say it. i am more excited than i have ever been in my entire life. it's making the music and hearing it slowly turn into beautiful noise. mickey drew up the contract the other day and everything seems alright. (don't think twice, it's alright). I shouldn't have to think twice about this. I am trembling with the thought of driving all day in the summer heat, playing a show in some shitty town, or some magnificent town, or any town at all, hearing the lyrics repeated by a throbbing group of strangers, one big heart ready to burst at any moment, living for my keyboard and my brothers and the smell of hot pavement and beaches and tattoos and when it is all over it will be like this gigantic story that i can tell forever and ever and it will make me proud. it's hard to see the bright side of things in the midst of lots of negativity, but my God, it's there. i will be off to bed now, dreaming of the piercing riffs of guitar solos and the lovely notes of a black and white piano.

current mood: eager

(5 conversation starters | make a monday morning tape)

Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
12:05 pm - isn't it funny how the promises we made will never see the light of day?
sugar rush. too many neccos. going crazy. i need to get down to that fucking darkroom this instant. it should be 24 HOUR USAGE. i have been sitting here playing with the devil (myspace) for like an hour. all i want to do is stop going to school and start touring. i've got my camera all wrapped up in a silk leopard print hankerchief. i've got so much going on that i can barely sleep at night for fear that i'll just burst with anticipation. everything pales in comparison to making music. everything pales next to being on the road. or i should be so lucky. i can't wait.
(i need it like water in my lungs.)

current mood: anxious

(1 conversation starter | make a monday morning tape)

Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
5:50 pm - the love of Richard Nixon
there is no plausible way to get from hyde park, to chester, to new paltz without going insane, so i came to the library. but i will be in new paltz soon. now, i KNOW this cd of ours will not be for everyone, but if it happens to be for someone then we have done good. i haven't seen my amp in at least a month. i do have my tamborine though. :)
this is a bunch of nonsense but the point is that today is brian's 21st birthday and tomorrow is pheobe's 21st birthday and saturday is my 21st birthday and monday is ryan's 24th? birthday and feb. 3rd is christina's 21st birthday, so needless to say there will be some sort of bash. i will call you, all of you, and tell you when and where if space and time permits.
goodnight.

current mood: busy

(make a monday morning tape)

Thursday, January 20th, 2005
6:03 pm - it's all in your head
this semester will be crazy.
i kind of wish i could just focus on the band. just make music all day. go to work sometimes. make out with my boyfriend. chill out with my friends. i don't want to think so hard right now.
i kind of want that starving-artist-living-in-a-dump-with-some-friends-but-having-the-time-of-my-life type thing. i'll finish school and be alive this summer. really, really alive. then i'll repress for another year and when i come back out...it's gonna be great. i don't know if we'll go farther than derek's basement, but i don't even care. it's the whole thing that gets me, not just the distant hope of a hardly visible breakthrough. this is something i never thought could happen. and by "this" i mean everything.
london was lovely. really. i had a good time. but honest to God, i love being home. i've spent my whole life looking for the people i have now. i don't even want to be away from them. it was a good opportunity and i needed to be by myself. i can't depend on all of you, but i can love you with all my heart and be thankful everyday.
smoking a cigarette in new paltz never felt so good.
to night class...

current mood: anxious

(2 conversation starters | make a monday morning tape)

Monday, December 6th, 2004
5:08 pm - hahahahaha
You're the Indie Guru!
You're the Indie Guru!
Take What sort of Hipster are you? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p>
You're practically too cool for words. You've got more indie rock knowledge in your pinky finger than Guided By Voices has songs! You went to your first Mudhoney concert when you were 14. You knew Green Day before they sold out to the masses. You can name every side project Lou Barlow has been in, complete with all album and song titles. You throw out words like "Thurston," "lo-fi," and "Kill Rock Stars." You wear jeans, old band tees, Converse. You hang with other gurus and people you can lord over. You're intelligent, but big-headed. Passionate, but hot-tempered. You will one day rule the earth.

(3 conversation starters | make a monday morning tape)

4:36 pm - i want to be a debaser.
Kim Deal is like my fucking hero. i didn't even know it until she sang "so long, so long" on "here comes your man" and i nearly burst with excitement. i will be the one wearing the Pixies shirt for the next three days, at the very least. finals week is kicking my ass. but it just snowed and the rotunda outside is lit up all pretty. also, i just noticed a Christmas tree over there ::pointing:: and i am done with my computer presentation. a small weight has been lifted.
four things:
1) I had to stop smoking due to medical concerns. I'm not sure how I feel about this. good, obviously, in the long run, but how i love a good drag...
2) I am on a mission to get Legs Up a show in the area so that Matt will love me more than he already does.
3) My band is fucking flipping out with excitement over the two new *almost-members* and so I have to go today and tomorrow to discern how I feel about this situation.
4) This is how on-the-verge of death my jeans are: I scratched my leg and my finger went right through my pants. Just right now, when I was typing number 1. Right through the pants.
That is the funniest commercial I have ever seen. The Brawny paper towels one where the guy is in like a log cabin and he's making food or something for his wife. Then he spills something and the voice-over goes "Right into the towel" and the guy gives the camera his sexy look. Anyway, I am trying very hard to be okay and so I'm pretty sure I will be.
oh yeah, watch "The Office". They are selling copies at Best Buy. Those funny English comedies...the BBC will get you every time.
i'll be in London in a month. i'll let them know they done good.
happy holidays

current mood: relieved

(1 conversation starter | make a monday morning tape)

Monday, November 22nd, 2004
10:15 pm - that frankly will not fly
when i was sitting in the room at the hospital today, the doctor came to talk to me and i nonchalantly sent my mom out of the room so i could tell this doctor that i smoke cigarettes. stupid. anyway i swear that this lady knew all about me and my life. she was talking to me like i had told her some profound secrets about my life and i'm sitting there thinking "what the fuck?". it was confusing and amazing at the same time. so i just sat thinking for awhile about what she said. something like, "i see a lot of young people come in here and they are very sad. i just want to tell you that it only gets better. i'm 37 years old and i have never been happier." maybe i looked really sad. i don't think i am, but maybe she just saw something that told her i used to be. so then i started talking and she took my face in her hands before she left. truth be told, i thanked God yesterday that it is severe pain in my back and chest that sent me to the hospital and not anything else. this i can handle. i would like to be a better person. what's funny is that when you're little you can be so set on what you would call your band if you had one and then when you get a little older and you play in a band, you don't know what to call it, hell, you don't even know what kind of music it is because you don't want to be thrown into the "just like everybody else" category. FYI, i heard that jiminy peak and hunter mountain are open for the season. i love jiminy peak at night. i don't know why. you can see Orion really good from the top of the run. what's also funny is that you can be the most painfully shy little girl in the whole world, but when you get a little older and you start waiting tables rather than cleaning them, you're suddenly not so shy anymore and you really want to know how many grandchildren this older woman has and you're actually happy to see frequent customers. you may start saying what you're thinking. i have to sleep with this hot bean pillow under my back and my head propped up. it's not bad. i'm just annoyed that nothing went right today. i, however, am not so annoyed that rather than go to Brazil in January, i get to go study Shakespeare in London instead. i am really very blown away. my brother got accepted to johnson and wales. crazy, this getting old enough to be married thing. one last thing. it is much easier to snap out of it when someone puts their foot down.

current mood: awake

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Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
2:11 pm - love is not a victory march. it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
sitting in alison's dorm room with ashley in miami. ashley is her roommate, but she is busy playing sims. i hate sims. but i love jeff buckley. ms. alison is at work and tonight we're going to do the college thing and go out to a club. i am a bit frightened, however, i love to dance. except, i usually love dancing to 80's music. at least i'll get to dance. I think, right now, I will eat a cookie and watch "Brokedown Palace", because I love Claire Danes...you know, Angela Chase.
by the way, I think Rayanne Graf is one of the most interesting and colorful characters to ever exist. A.J. Langer played the part incredibly. thank you eileen, for the little bit of heaven that is My So-Called Life.

current mood: peaceful

(make a monday morning tape)

Thursday, October 14th, 2004
1:26 pm - the crimes of piano island.
i would like to send a super large "ROCK" to the blood brothers for their new album. it is excellent. next thursday i go see my sweet fallen angel alison in miami beach. until then, i spend whatever time i am not at school or the restuarant at the tattoo shop. because, amazingly enough, i got my apprenticeship for piercing. and then i leave the shop and go love ian until it hurts. by the way, the guy next to me is typing louder than anything i've ever heard. the keys will break at any moment. january is Brazil. but today...what is today? today is thursday. i will go to class, if i can find it, hang around for a bit, and then meet with my tv production group. i will eat dinner with ian and go watch the game at pheobop's house. i will play mario cart and go home. these are good things and i am fairly excited. crimes, crimes, crimes, crimes, crimes. so, i've been reading a lot about tattoos and it is a purely fascinating process. such beautiful artwork. i don't really understand the opposition towards them. it's not a conspiracy to make parents upset, nor is it meant to offend people. mostly, it is really just...art. you know, just personal art, except on the body, which i find intriguing. it has a whole heritage behind it. certainly, don't get a tattoo if you change your mind all the time. also, don't get one if you don't like it. please don't do it to be cool. i don't know if anybody does that. another thing, when you ask somebody about their tattoos, they will tell you stories behind each one of them. like sailors used to do when they came home from honolulu, because that's where "sailor jerry" was. anyway, this is enough for now.
eat swedish fish.
listen to the blood brothers.
watch the yankees game.

current mood: cold

(make a monday morning tape)

Monday, September 13th, 2004
1:54 pm - so this is the new year...
I can't find my class, so this sucks. On the other hand, things are going very well and I hope they continue that way. School, work, music, a little bit of ink, ian. And I can go out much more often now without getting scared, or, rather, without feeling...unstable. Perhaps I will be piercing in the future. Perhaps, in the future, I will still be able to pass this class after today. Apparently they all know something I don't. This is not at all what I had in mind for my first entry in a very long time. But it's okay. It'll do just fine. Russ left and things seem a little out of place. They seem a little lonely. I'm damn proud of him though. So...I am in love. I am finding things that I have been missing for a very long time. I'm smoking much too often but, to tell you the truth, that is the very least of my worries. Now, after a little www.kurthalsey.com, I will attempt to go to my next class and if I can't find it, I will slowly walk away and make my way to work, where I will write today off as a small blip in the universe. Sometimes they happen.

current mood: confused

(2 conversation starters | make a monday morning tape)

Sunday, May 30th, 2004
1:10 am
>
WARNING
imonlyhuman is radioactive. Wear protective clothing at all times.

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

(make a monday morning tape)

12:49 am - all is full of love....you HAVE to trust it....
i'm eating an unnecassarily large box of junior mints. i don't really know why. i mean i love junior mints, but i don't really want them right now. anyway, i'm working three doubles in a row and ian's coming over now to dye my hair. which is odd because it's one in the morning. i saw matt yesterday. he said hi and then he went down the street and puked and that was that. haha. this is random. but i feel random right now. i feel like if i started to float away i wouldn't just go straight up but i'd circle around and do sumersaults and spirals like i was caught in a tornado or something. and i don't think it's a bad thing. but i think i much rather float straight up. i don't want to stress myself out. i want to go to work because i know what i'm doing there and when i'm home i don't know what i'm doing. so i'm going to stay home some days so i can figure myself out better. so i can get better. i'm doing good though and i'm typing this like the way Christopher talks in "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time" which i just finished reading. it was very good. very easy to read. but the amazing thing is, the truly amazing thing is, this boy who's holding me in his arms and making everything okay. we're going to see david bowie. and we're going to lalapalooza. i don't know how to spell it. modest mouse. flaming lips. the fucking PIXIES. we're going to see phish before they break up. i don't even like phish but we're going because it's something we have to do. and he's coming over at one in the morning to dye my hair. black. blue black. jet black. and it's something we both could get used to. but sometimes i just cry because i know how easy it is to lose somebody you really love. so we just make a wish whenever the clock says 10:10 or 12:12 or something like that, that we'll be together for a very long time. remember why rob loves laura in "high fidelity"? he says it's because she didn't make him anxious, or uncomfortable and a whole bunch of other things that make you think "well, i've been going about this all wrong. it's all right in front of me and i never even looked before". he doesn't make me anxious or uncomfortable or scared or angry or sad. he justs lets me figure myself out and i let him figure himself out and together we're a superhero. and that's that.

current mood: chipper

(2 conversation starters | make a monday morning tape)

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