when i was sitting in the room at the hospital today, the doctor came to talk to me and i nonchalantly sent my mom out of the room so i could tell this doctor that i smoke cigarettes. stupid. anyway i swear that this lady knew all about me and my life. she was talking to me like i had told her some profound secrets about my life and i'm sitting there thinking "what the fuck?". it was confusing and amazing at the same time. so i just sat thinking for awhile about what she said. something like, "i see a lot of young people come in here and they are very sad. i just want to tell you that it only gets better. i'm 37 years old and i have never been happier." maybe i looked really sad. i don't think i am, but maybe she just saw something that told her i used to be. so then i started talking and she took my face in her hands before she left. truth be told, i thanked God yesterday that it is severe pain in my back and chest that sent me to the hospital and not anything else. this i can handle. i would like to be a better person. what's funny is that when you're little you can be so set on what you would call your band if you had one and then when you get a little older and you play in a band, you don't know what to call it, hell, you don't even know what kind of music it is because you don't want to be thrown into the "just like everybody else" category. FYI, i heard that jiminy peak and hunter mountain are open for the season. i love jiminy peak at night. i don't know why. you can see Orion really good from the top of the run. what's also funny is that you can be the most painfully shy little girl in the whole world, but when you get a little older and you start waiting tables rather than cleaning them, you're suddenly not so shy anymore and you really want to know how many grandchildren this older woman has and you're actually happy to see frequent customers. you may start saying what you're thinking. i have to sleep with this hot bean pillow under my back and my head propped up. it's not bad. i'm just annoyed that nothing went right today. i, however, am not so annoyed that rather than go to Brazil in January, i get to go study Shakespeare in London instead. i am really very blown away. my brother got accepted to johnson and wales. crazy, this getting old enough to be married thing. one last thing. it is much easier to snap out of it when someone puts their foot down.