Dana (imonlyhuman) wrote,

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when i was little, i never thought about a lot of things. i never wondered why some people were good and others were bad. i never considered the way stars form constellations. i never wondered if everything would be alright, or if i would fall in love, or how a culmination of terrible and amazing things could happen to form this older, better (?) version of myself. or maybe i did. maybe i did think about all of these things. maybe i didn't have to think about them because i knew that everything would be okay and no matter what happens, the stars are always stars and even if they burn out, there are new ones to remember the old ones by. i don't know much really, except that now i can see orion and the big and little dippers instead of clusters of lights and when i know more constellations, i'll be able to see a whole sky full of pictures and nothing else. i like that a lot. the thing is, i've got this terrible, awful memory and maybe its not abnormal or anything but there are many, many things i can only remember vague flashes of, if i remember them at all. sometimes i can't even remember if the flashes are of something real or if they are from a dream or a thought i had. for instance, laura's bass amp had been missing for weeks. todd says, i put it in your trunk, remember? i don't remember anything of the sort, but there it is, right in my trunk along with a shovel that i didn't know was there either. i don't know who it belongs to, but it's there. sometimes i forget whole chunks of time, parts of a vacation or something. i forget who i was with or who i talked to along the way. i lose names a lot...i'll know you, but i can't find your name among the millions of other things that have been lost along the way. the point is, i'm sure i forgot a lot of cool things that happened. i would like to be able to remember everything that touches my heart. i remember bits and pieces or nothing. i'm sure bad things get forgotten too. but check it out: i can remember that knapsack was playing on matt's cd player in his car on some bay in long island 2 or 3 years ago. i remember when i first saw rob. i remember what he was wearing, where he was standing, where i was standing, where we were, and where we were going. i remember being little and pushing some kid into a pool and feeling panic because i didn't realize he couldn't swim. i remember almost drowning and looking up at my father as he came to rescue me. i remember my wallpaper when i was 7. i know these are my memories and not something people have retold me so many times that i got images in my head from it because these are things that i haven't talked to anyone about, ever. and that's how i know. today, i met a little boy in the metropolitan museum of art. i took his picture and we talked about the coins inside the wishing fountain. i tried very hard to remember his name because things like that are important and i told him that when i developed his picture i would show it to my class and say that he was a very good boy. his name was matthew. all things aside, i am so pleased to have remembered his name because nobody wants to make a connection with someone and then have this picture of someone you forgot you knew. now i can title it and everything and believe it or not, that makes me feel very complete.
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