i was heading into the drudgery of myspace when i realized that livejournal was still here. in fact, it had been here all along and now it's quiet and i like it a whole lot better. i need to write. i need to express something. it's begging to be let out but i haven't been able to find it in so long. the summer is a killer. maybe it always will be. but i won't let it hurt me because i know exactly where my life is headed. somebody called me "legendary" yesterday. now, really, that's a bit much...i mean, bob dylan is legendary, JIMI HENDRIX is legendary...but my God, to be recognized for something you have driven headfirst into, something you have given almost everything up for...i'll say it right now. as soon as school is over, the Motif 6 won't know what hit it. I want to live out of a van for a while. i've tried it. it sucks and it's marvelous at the same time. i want to put a hard earned couple of years into the business. so, get this: fourth of july, boca raton, Florida, stranded in the middle of a lake on a solar-powered motorized dock. peeing off the t-bar in the middle of the night during a tropical rainstorm in a walmart parking lot in maryland. 4 a.m. monster breakfast on an island off north carolina. learning, again, that i can't have everything i want and either can you. Laverne eating oreos on the couch at our hotel in ocean city, telling me and jeremiah about the best places to get sandwiches in norfolk. for me, that was the most brief, yet real and heartfelt connection i made because she was so different from me, from all of us, and she didn't stare, or judge, or act any differently than she did with anyone else who came through the hotel that day. and i didn't try to impress, i didn't care whether i looked "badass" with a couple of tattooed guys, i was okay, right then. i want to be that way with everyone. it's easy to think you're real cool but it's different to feel real cool. i feel like i have five brothers walking with me on the boardwalk and that's the fucking coolest feeling ever. i don't care if we look like the biggest bunch of losers. i know when we are tight that i can sleep good that night. i know i can come home to the best things that ever happened to me if need be. i know that a fight is a fight and nothing more. the thing with me is that i have trouble expressing anything other than what i know is true at this very moment. so, this paragraph has been overwhelmingly "pilot" enriched. also, on the horizon, i don't feel like i could be with anyone but ian. you know, you lay with someone in bed and you breathe in their smell, and it's just...home. we're both getting koi fish tattoos and the weird thing is that it's not because of each other. it's just because we both appreciate that sort of thing and we both came to the conclusions on our own. no joke, if this band thing doesn't work out, me and ian are going to Japan to some place older than we can imagine to learn how to tattoo with dye and sharpened sticks and to learn about Horimono and Sailor Jerry and how to say "I like your tattoo! What is the inspiration behind it?", in Japanese. life is simple really, if you think about it that way.