hi. it's october and everything changed. everything's different. it didn't have to be, but it is. maybe i wanted to flip things around, or maybe i didn't want it at all. i don't care about not being in the band. i mean i CARE, as in, i love making music and now i'm not and it's killing me. but, i don't care as in, i'm finishing school which is great, which is really great, and i plan on making music anyway. when school's over. if it wasn't my last year, i just might have moved right into that van. i care a lot about not being with ian because he's wonderful. he's really this great guy who loves me like hell and would do anything for me and he's not stupid, or nerdy, or lame, or boring, or mean, or anything i don't like. he's just really great and i'm not with him anymore. there's no real explanation except now there's tom. and this has been eating me away. something good for something maybe not as good, but how can i know unless i try? seems like a stupid move. it seems like something totally opposite from anything i would do and maybe that's why i did it. maybe i've gotten to this remarkably vivid point where i'm not able to understand anything i'm doing, but i'm living in the moment. maybe phoebe's teaching me something. it doesn't change much except that i like being at tom's house. i like his family, his friends, his neighborhood, his band, his voice, his lips...and i've been struggling with whether to be happy about tom or miserable about ian. every day, i am both. every day, i push forward and i don't want to PUSH forward. i want to float peacefully forward, like a river. running through the city. i want to not feel guilty, but actions bring consequences. i want to hold ian and tell him that he will be okay and that i love him but this is something i have to do. i am at fault. i am the bad guy. i don't know that i've ever been before. i don't know that i can feel love like i used to because i lost and regained and threw it away. i, fortunately, am the type of person who confronts what they have done. and i also know what i didn't do. i am crazy but level-headed. i am a mess but fully together. i am jack's broken but deservedly-so broken heart.